Say The Worst Thing First
Written by Steve Hillier
Date Written September 1996
Place Written Arts Centre, Newcastle Upon Tyne
Released When July 1997
Originally Sung By Sarah Blackwood
Features Roland S-760, Roland JD-800
Spotify Link
“…my words were knives that broke our lives”I broke up with my girlfriend after Dubstar headlined the NME tent at Reading Festival in 1996. I spent the next day wandering around Pink Lane, alternating between the The Forth Hotel bar and our studio in the Arts Centre trying to work out what on earth I was going to do next (a familiar feeling). On that long day drinking Guinness in the Forth Hotel I made a decision. Inspired by Ewan McGregor’s monologue in Trainspotting, I decided I would choose life… I chose to be happy rather than be a suffering artist. I chose that I wouldn’t feel this bereft, that I was such failure at relationships ever again. Next time would be the right time, next time would be the last time.
But like St Augustine before me, I had to do a little more suffering and drinking first.
I hadn’t appreciated until many years later how privileged I’d been at this moment. A broken hearted songwriter splits from long term partner and gets to metaphorically open his heart in songs that will be heard by thousands of people across the world. There are worse ways to recover from the end of a relationship, but few more self indulgent. I don’t regret writing this song, but I know I couldn’t write something like this now. It’s profoundly unfair. It overlooks the other person’s position in the situation in order to express just one person’s hurt.
So I wouldn’t be comfortable doing this in 2020, but I am torn. Isn’t this self indulgence exactly how artists have behaved down the ages, landing themselves in the middle of a situation involving loved ones…and then telling their own audience how they feel about it? I suppose a writer has to decide what’s more important, their art or their life. I chose the latter.
I love everything about this song except the version on Goodbye. I had too many things going on in the arrangement, like a collision of a hundred ideas for what should have been a stripped back ‘dagger through the heart’ Dubstar song. Still, the bridge with the instrumental mandolins, a reference to For Ever and Ever by Demis Roussos is my favourite moment on the whole album.
INSIDE OUTLINES, the first collection of solo piano pieces by Stephen Hillier is out now: